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05.05.04/

Movies being made. Check out the previews above.

05.02.04/
Sitting at the computer, poring over online shopping for Mother's Day. Going to spend the little money I have that wasn't given to me by her ON her. As I look, I am reminded of why I left home, as my sis tells me how my mother burst into Megan's room to scream at her about how shitty she is, how she's going to hire a lawyer to get rid of Kusek for good or just have "the fucking bastard" killed. And I suddenly see great irony in my hours upon hours of shopping. No amount of money, pitiful emails or other ways of trying to make up for it will ever be enough to cover for the shit we've gone through. You can't beat someone with a mace and then expect them to hug and kiss you the next minute and tell you they love you. What happens to a dog when he is abused? Certainly he doesn't grow up to be Lassie...

Do people REALLY have normal parents? It doesn't seem so. I know so many with psychotic families and it's depressing. Not that depression is bad. I think depression is just as natural as any other mood. It's a personality. When it gets out of hand, yes, that's bad. But overall I wouldn't change my depressed ways for anything. Besides that, the medications suck. Ahaha now I sound like some dumb Goth chick trying to be all dark and evil. Oh well whocares.

There is something crawling in my eyes. I felt this horrible tickling in my eyeballs and literally ripped my contacts form my eyes freaking out. It's still there. Feels like worms writhing in my eyeballs. Pain from so much madcrazy rubbing. WTF?

Hopefully soon I'll call that number Paul gave me so at least I can deal with this on my own, whether or not my sis is mature enough to do so herself. Good luck, I suppose. It's gonna take a lot more than a few little talks, especially considering the buildup of emotional trauma towards these kinds of people and my life.

:-/

05.01.04/
I did not fall out of the QFC parking lot today. I did, however, fall off a curb somewhere.

04.19.04/
So much has been going on! It's all in the paperjournal, but I only got internet back recently... sohard without the net...

Beautiful birthdays full of happy Devinness, partying, interesting things... some random bits to catch up... Most events are copied from ims/paperjournal/etc...

01.17.04/
Saw Philip Glass in PAC Concert Hall in Bellingham. Solo piano. He rawks!

01.23.04/
First time on meth. Shaky. Whoa. cold but hot. Cool. Kristen drew a pic of me and Devin . I'll scan and send next week when I get my computer. Oh. this is not Twiggy's letter. Oops. ((elaborate picture of The Frighteners poster drawn here... star with words...)) Cold but hot. *edit* Fun. Or is it? :-D Peeing like a mofo. I love pee! Maybe?

The result of the above event:

01.30.04/
Spinning and nauseous.

Anxiety building from deep within.

Strong desire to scream. cry. punch a wall. vomit. cut. run away. hide. die.

Where is all this coming from?

Shaking. Constant feeling of grinding one's teeth, but not doing so. Brain filled with a blinding, knifelike pain. Confused to no end. Terrified.

Of what?

Pain in my stomach. Dehydration, but can't drink. So afraid. But of what?

Will I lose Devin? get a job? Pay my rent? remain functionally sane? stop acting fake? force myself to go to school? vomit? get my makeup work done? Get my non-makeup work done? die?

How will it end?

When does the line between slightly crazy and over-the-edge insane merge and make life a living Hell? To go from perfectly happy, exuberant about school, life, everything... to this, overnight! WTF is going on?

Yesterday, Devin showed up at 7:30am and proceeded to act very kooky and Devin-like. After some intercom tag and excessive doorbell ringing, I ended up in my monkey pajamas at the front door, where Devin stood smoking, trying to get me to go outside. Segue to my room, where he presented me with a box containing two bouqets of white orchids. As wonderfully perfect as that morning was, the anxiety soon returned. I slept all morning Wednesday to escape anxiety, and all day Thursday... all morning today too. Missing so much school from anxiety.

Awoke Thursday morning to a pounding on the front door. Then, "Should we pull the alarm?" Piercing sound. Force groggy Devin to get dressed. Flashing lights, astronautical firemen traipsing about the halls. Did this add to anxiety?

I knocked the flowers over with my coat.

Hide, regroup, refocus.

Insanity is all around me. Join? Or fight it?

Everything causes my brain to regress to a druglike state. Movies, living. Perhaps it was meant to be. Or do I need "help"?

Brokenbrain.

Conclusion: meth is bad for emotions.

The anxiety for a month or so was worse... I couldn't function...

01.31.04/
3:16am:
Didn't go to Devin's tonight. I thought I'd give him some space... smothering him with me, he has no choice but to end up babysitting me. No time for music, or friends... then, I think I've been worrying him lately. Tuesday night (Wednesday morning?) I had horrible anxiety. I tried to hide it, but ended up crying forever. Devin asked me if I was mad at him (I'm NOT) and neglected to watch a movie so I could sleep. Slept until time for Chamber, missing Theory, then felt anxious and ran past I.S. out the door and went home. Devin hadn't wanted me over Thursday night so he could write music. I ended up lugging a huge box from 3rd to my apartment, and fell asleep, exhausted. When I woke up, I had 2 messages from Devin wondering why I wasn't at his house. Did he think he upset me? He brought me flowers... white orchids. I'm not sure if it's because he's so sweet, thought I was mad at him, or both. It WAS a very *gushgush* thing to do, but I'm so afraid he's just worried about making me mad. I missed class Thursday, and morning Theory on Friday. I showed up at the Holiday Inn for directions to the Victoria Clipper, and couldn't hide my depression from Devin. My darling boy got a towncar to drive me to the Clipper. I love him so much... which is why I'm not with him now. I don't want him to see me even more depressed than I was earlier.
...after drifting aimlessly about Seattle for 30 minutes...
Severe brain pain sent me home. No mail in the box today. Cleaned, organized files on my comp, and found stuff that made me decide to avoid Devin: dad's will and a saved site from some divorce thing about legally changing your name. Why didn't those fucks edit before they gave me the comp? Grantd, then they would've found pics I forgot, of me naked and... stuff... I deleted those things quickly, but am still quite disturbed, hours later. No more crying in front of Devin . What a fucked up world. Am I jumping to conclusions? Are those documents meaningless? Still sick...

Didn't learn, less than two weeks later...

02.09.04/
Smoked meth. La ti da. Nothing to say. Not very high. Homework and Valentines must get finished. I inhaled crystal. It dissolved on my tongue. Gross.

reflection on 02.13.04/
Not only was it Friday the 13th, but it was ALSO the day before Valentine's Day... what better time to do something completely insane and outrageous... to Devin, no less? Test the relationship via psychosis! The idea started as a random scene in my brain: My staggering into his room looking like hell, with hair frizzed out everywhere, makeup smeared haphazardly across my face, and giving him a big smooch as he stared in horror and tried to escape. Then I'd tell him to get dressed, cuz we were going out to a nice restraunt, and he needed to look presentable. THEN I changed my idea to include Eric sealing me up in a box in Devin's room before he came home from work, telling him he got it while he was at work... and when Devin opened it, I'd explode from the box and then instigate the above scenario... But that seemed kinda obvious, so I considered the possibilities, such as having the box in the hallway and leaping out as I saw his feet walk by, putting it on the porch... and then it hit me: BOX ROBOT.
But how would I present this robot act in an amusing way? The plan was going to take some thought. I had three options: 1)to hide on the side of the house, and when Devin came home, run out from the side and chase him; 2)to hide on the porch, and when he was like wtf...? and looked at the box, jump up and chase him; or 3) to go to his door after he got home and wait until he came out, at which time he'd be like WHOA... But then, after making the robot head and his Valentine, I fell asleep.
===end transmission===
02.14.04/
5am:
Due to my falling asleep until 4:30am, the plan now calls for spray paint, packing tape, robot boxes and the ability to walk in the dark on stairs in a robot suit.
much later:
Ho-ho-ho... what a show! ROBOT BOXWOMAN LIVES! Not only was I a really cool robot, but I also woke up Jamie! Yay! I walked to the grocery store at 5am with a giant box, a robot head and a backpack as big as me... then I bought a HUGE roll of duct tape. The guy was like, "Are you moving?" And I said no, that I was dressing up like a robot to scare my boyfriend, to which he replied,"Well, he must scare really easily then. I'd LAUGH if I saw someone in a robot suit when I was falling asleep..." *sigh* Then I carried everything on to Devin's, past the police station (I felt SO shady). I carefully chose the side of Devin's house where the bathroom window was, and his windows were not, hoping he wouldn't hear the noise and see me outside making a box robot. Of course, I had forgotten my scissors, and the tape wouldn't hold the bottom flaps open, so I had to cut all four of them off (and they were on a very large HP printer box- it was the robot body!) with a little x-acto knife... the one I used to use to cut the fuck out of myself with. So... *tape tape tape* Loud enough for me to worry about the neighbors waking up and calling the cops... and then, my heart stopped as the bathroom light came on, the window opened, and my goofy boyfriend stuck his head out. That dork looked up at the sky with an odd expression, like he was expecting something (he was looking for rain) as I fruitlessly pressed myself against the wall, trying not to laugh, as the giant robot suit remained right under his head. Then, he went back in and turned off the light. I was SURE he had seen me, even though he IS Mr. Oblivious. As I finished the box, I expected him to come out of the house at any minute, and when he didn't, I felt confused, and thought he might have set up some kind of trap inside... But I put on the robot suit anyway, and threw my stuff by the stairs as I began to bump up to his room... *smack smack* I was giggling so hard as I tried to go up the stairs... at the top, I looked around, wondering where Devin was hiding... Eric's door was closed, the bathroom and kitchen were empty... so I opened Devin's door. BUT NO ONE WAS IN THERE! Confused, turn to leave, his voice comes from somewhere: "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" I turned around, wondering where he was... and, as I made it back to facing his door, I saw him peering from around the small opening (it's hard to open his door with all that garbage and those shoes there) his door made. I forced my way in and bounced around, probably scarring my poor Devin for life. He'd been behind the view of the door, so I hadn't seen him, and had no idea of what I'd been doing. After he abused me a bit, he led me to Eric's room, where I had to do robot freakshow-esque things for their amusement. When that got old, I tried to bump down the stairs to get my stuff, but I could only grab Devin's Valentine and present; that alone took me a million years and a thousand tries to keep picking it up. When I got to the top of the stairs, Jamie was there, half-asleep. She said one thing to me: "Alyson, am I dreaming, or are you wearing a BOX?" Of course, she'd know it was me right off the bat. Exit to Devin's room. I made him get the rest of my stuff from downstairs... poor guy fell on the stairs, earning a Look of Death from Jamie (later, she told Devin she thought she really WAS dreaming... I felt bad for getting so excited and waking her...). So excited now. Either Devin will soon have the responsibility of taking his robot on walks in crowded areas of Seattle, or he'll become Mister Robot and take walks WITH Robot AlysQn. RAWK! I heart boxes!!!

Robot of Love:

Postman Sex:

02.24.04/
took 2 cccs (30mg dxm, 4mg chloripheniramine) and 5 pure dxm pills (15mg) planning to trip... was too scared to take enough, and ended up in nightmarish sleep. The "Drugs are bad" thing is starting to really hit home...

03.11.04/
Worked a music convention w/Mark... it rawked! Can't wait to someday work with Mark at NAMM!

03.19.04/
freakish pallor of splendorous lust,
white pills dissolve in the darkness.

dizzy
weak
numb

painless

free from physical boundaries
aggressive mentalities become more profound
as mind over matter
becomes all that matters

guilt
sorrow
anguish

any plague of the
mind, heart, soul
makes itself readily available

memories echo through the haze
haunting melodies driving me further beyond familiar realms of the mind

the pills + the darkness = painless?

03.20.04/
I turn 20.

Devin gave me a cupcake in this microwave thing, with a votive candle and a fork. I was half-asleep and really confused. It was one of the nicest things, in a kooky way... he gave me a Marilyn Manson dvd the night before, and we stayed up late watching it together. I babysat Jack the next night, and Devin slept over. Jack was so great... it was fun. In the morning, he tricked me into getting up to take him out, and got into bed with Devin (who he loves a lot... he kept trying to give us equal turns to throw his toys, but was quite partial to Devin over me...). We watched Kermit's Swamp Years with Jack... he loved it! It was a great birthday.

((the next week, on a date which I cannot recall)):
I was late for school. As I showered and got ready, I heard a constant banging, like the day those fucking firemen came and were busting things with an axe before realizing they had the wrong building. But I didn't pay much attention, as I had 30 minutes to walk to school. I ran to the front door as fast as I could so I could start my trek to school. As I was about to leave, Heather came out of the office and said, "Alyson," in a voice that seemed quite disturbed. I wondered what could be wrong... I thought the worst...

She told me to be careful if I went outside, that there was a man out there who couldn't come in, but he was trying very hard to get in. So I said, ok, it's ok I'll be careful. I turned and reached for the door handle, and just as I was about to turn the door, a big black man with a huge cane appeared and said, "Open the door you fucking bitch."

That explained the banging I'd been hearing.

"On second thought, I'll stay here a while," I said to Heather, walking back down the stairs to the office. The man kept yelling at us to open the door.

"Open the door you cocksucking bitch." I was too embarrassed to tell Heather what he said, when she asked if I'd understood him.

Finally the cops came, and talked to him. He apparetly broke in a while back and vandalized an apartment... but he is not the same guy that came in confused banging on doors wanting to go fishing earlier, in February.

I was late for school that day.

On Devin's sn, at his house on 04.14.04/
alysQn+twiggs:

se7ense7endeadly: whoia
se7ense7endeadly: i forgot to tell you stories
se7ense7endeadly: i remember one now
se7ense7endeadly: so i was reaching for the toilet paper
se7ense7endeadly: and then it kinda vanished from the windowsill
se7ense7endeadly: it had fallen out the window
se7ense7endeadly: luckily i'd brought my own roll, which didn't fall out the window
nitrotic: ahahahhahaa
se7ense7endeadly: can dvds work with like
nitrotic: you brought your own roll?!
se7ense7endeadly: light sctarches?
se7ense7endeadly: yes they never have toilet paper
se7ense7endeadly: i always have to use like
se7ense7endeadly: magazins and napkins or take a bath after i pee
se7ense7endeadly: it's gross
se7ense7endeadly: i got this dvd for $10 from blockbuster
se7ense7endeadly: with a giftcard
nitrotic: that's quite horrid... ahhah
se7ense7endeadly: it has maculay culkin (yuck), seth green, marilyn manson...
se7ense7endeadly: i'm not sure if it'll skip
nitrotic: welll
se7ense7endeadly: think it will?
nitrotic: try it!
se7ense7endeadly: hehe i will!

se7ense7endeadly: i cannot find my phone
se7ense7endeadly: if i don't hae it here
se7ense7endeadly: it might be on the bus
nitrotic: i lost my underwear
se7ense7endeadly: unless it fell out at my house
se7ense7endeadly: HOW?
nitrotic: i just found it
nitrotic: it was over by the door
nitrotic: ...no idea
se7ense7endeadly: how come they're a pair of pants
se7ense7endeadly: a pair of underwear
se7ense7endeadly: just cuz youhave two buttcheeks, two legs
se7ense7endeadly: ?
se7ense7endeadly: why isn't it a pair of shirsts
se7ense7endeadly: you have two boobs
se7ense7endeadly: two arms
nitrotic: ahahahha
nitrotic: i have no idea at all

Lots of happy conversation between the N and the Q. Until later that night...

se7ense7endeadly: there is vomit in the sink and the toilet is inches from overflowin
Auto response from nitrotic: BRAIN HURRICANE
se7ense7endeadly: luckily i dind't go number 2
se7ense7endeadly: i stopped it jjust in time
se7ense7endeadly: i think i need to go home soon...
se7ense7endeadly: ok
se7ense7endeadly: half of this floor
se7ense7endeadly: and myself
se7ense7endeadly: are now flooded with toilet water
se7ense7endeadly: i was like
se7ense7endeadly: that sounds like running water...
se7ense7endeadly: luckily rod is intoxicated because i was laughing hysterically
se7ense7endeadly: even as i tried t oturn it off
se7ense7endeadly: laying in toilet watter rezchein
se7ense7endeadly: um
se7ense7endeadly: yeah

Desperate, I turned to many people, including Justin:

se7ense7endeadly: are you there?
se7ense7endeadly: justin
se7ense7endeadly: this is an emergency
se7ense7endeadly: you need to call devin
se7ense7endeadly: his house is flooded with pissater and it is leaking downstairs
se7ense7endeadly: i can't do this myself
se7ense7endeadly: rod said it's my problem
se7ense7endeadly: come n
se7ense7endeadly: i don't have a phone
se7ense7endeadly: i need to hg
se7ense7endeadly: ;slfdl'kj

Oh, the humanity... why does it always happen to the alysQn?

More accounts at a later date.

Over and out.

02.14.04/
Finished Marilyn Manson's book "Long Hard Road Out of Hell" yesterday. It's profound. I loved it. Manson is a genius. Fuck yeah.

This morning was wild. Robot boxes and angry women. *sigh*

More in the morning. Full story... have to make postman porn now...

02.07.04/
So hard to write in cyberspace... no internet, no money... lots of Rolling Rock and stuff on weekends... paperjournal #1 complete; excerpts soon. Unril rhen, images:

*/zZz/*+=end of transmission+-/X.X,

01.19,04/
Happy New Year from Seattle...

Never let a Scot into your closet...

12.18.03/
A lovely work of art by the one and only Devinkitty:

((click to enlarge))

Mother finally changed her mind... and overnight, she became very nice about my moving to Seattle. Don't know why, but I'm not going to question my dream made a reality. I got a 25% scholarship. Guess all the hard work (and more than strong desire to move to Seattle) was a good thing... too bad my juries reflected not one tiny speck of that work :-/ Oh well. FUCK U of H!

Devin was there for me every day he was in Houston. Juries were making me terrified, Grabiec kicked me out of my lesson... I felt so awful... and my baby took care of me, even though he wasn't really excited about being around all that tension. He went with me to my jury, and kept me from crying, which I would've done for hours sans Devin. I'm so glad I can go to Seattle now. I think I need my baby around lots and lots... not just for cuddling either. Had it not been for him and Justin, I wouldn't have played my jury, thus rendering me helpless in my quest to move to Seattle. My kitty took care of me and made me feel so happy. Even when I had horrible anxiety, it was lessened a lot by Devin... although I'm not sure he or Justin knew it. I managed to let go to a lot of the fear, but I guess I had a whole lot more...

In Seattle, Devin made sure I got sleep and did well at my audition for Cornish. He's more responsible than me! Heh. Justin said we belong together always. Yup yup :)

When Devin left for Seattle again, I had to work so hard not to cry. The second I'd driven off, I had a hard time seeing the fucking lanes of the airport... the haze of a love traveling far away blocked my view. But I didn't die! Yay.

Hmm. Emo sucks, even in a dark, smoky club (named Madame Fatcat's, no less!) with alysQn walri scrawled on seats and tables. Good thing it was free.

What's up with this Bat Boy the Musical? Scans later... I want to see it! Ad from Seattle, ad from Houston... Curiouser and curiouser.

Drank a whole bottle of MD 20/20 last night. Kiwi lime. I can handle my cheap booze again! But no cooking was done (thank god... no Devin to tend to my burns, cuts, bruises...).

I loved waking up every morning to "there's my beautiful little Alysonkitty...". I can't wait until I can hear it more than for just a week... to wake up next to a cozy Devin... it's so amazing to me. As when I first went to Seattle, and felt that I was in a dream, this is becoming the dream part II.

And that's only the Devin aspect.

I'm MORE than excited to have an apartment that's not in a fraternity ring, have my own violin studio, and go to Cornish. I can't wait to audition for stuff there, and play in jazz bands and chamber music and take photography classes and stuff. I feel so relieved that I don't have to take my barrier jury at UH. I feel even more relieved to know that I will soon be at a school that wants me to be Alyson, not Mr. Grabiec's student, or something. I know it's a wonderful thing, to have the discipline to do something as difficult as classical, but it's not worth the effort if you're not 100% happy. I've become me, and hate doing things just to please other people now. Cornish seems to WANT me to be what I am, and not someone trying to imitate recordings, history, going by the rules... they were interested in my original music, my rock, the music video, my electric violin... sincerely interested in my essays, my resume. It seems like a haven for me. I can't wait to start photography again either!!!

Hmm what else? Walking will be great. I know I'll end up whining, but right now I'm miserable. There's not too many places to walk, and I always have cramps in my arms and legs from never really doing anything physical. Well. Except sex. But. Yeah.

When I'm in Seattle I'm inspired. Granted, I'm inspired here too, but not as much. I realized stuff there like... this sculpture that seemed like it'd make sounds when the wind blew through it. It didn't really work, but now I want to try to make one that DOES work. The parking meters could be made into photographs with hand-tinting to look like monsters. I notice things because I walk places. I see something more than the road. Here I'm inspired by the rare occasions I go out, usually. The lame free Emo concert inspired me to write a song that induces sporadic movement ending with a hard smack to one's own head. And then the sad goodbye with Devin implicated a rush of movie ideas like I'd never experienced in forever.

I dunno. Ranting. Thirsty.

Yay, I'm going to Seattle!

12.09.03/
Simple urges can be so lethal.

imperceptible33: i hate urges
imperceptible33: did you sneeze?
nitrotic: i don't think so, but i can't remember
imperceptible33: oh
nitrotic: urges are weird
imperceptible33: in a former life i was an urge
nitrotic: ahahhaa
imperceptible33: just one strong urge
imperceptible33: bent on the destruction of some poor, will-less soul
nitrotic: sounds crazy!

The desire is always so strong. It's like that extra 5 minutes of sleep you want every morning... just 5 more minutes, you say... until that 5 minutes becomes another 5, and you let yourself go until an hour after your morning classes end.

Just one touch. A taste of pain. One prick of the blade.

And soon you're falling off the cliff... falling down that rabbit hole.

One pill makes you forget, and the other gives you everything you never wanted to know.

Falling forever down the rabbit hole.

Run fast, little bunny.

Insatiable urge. Grasping everything around, searching for even the most blunt of tools. Never enough.

Only one way out.

Am I a failure at life or just school?

Is school life? Does one fail life AND school? What the fuck is the truth? What the fuck is real, and what the fuck is success???

FUCK school. FUCK IT ALL.

Am I psychotic? Have I gone over the edge? Had I been insane already?

Or is everyone else mad?

I don't understand how this fucking world works anymore. Am I a class A loser lost in a field of luminescent dreams, which float away every time I try to capture them? Or do I just not know how to make them mine yet?

Maybe I'm wrong altogether, and they were never meant to be mine. Or perhaps they're not ready for me to collect in my pretty glass jar yet.

*****((response from the catgod))*****

dont be so hard on yourself
you rule
*smooch*
~devin

11.20.03/
Seattle was quite an adventure... Met the parents of my guy... his mommy thinks we're true soulmates :-D She took pics of us at their house in Bellingham:

I thought my audition was pretty good. We'll know soon enough. A week wasn't nearly enough time with my baby, but I'll be back with him in just two weeks... December 2nd.

FUCK YEAH!!!

So much... long walks in the cold rain, hours of cuddling, being bad... can't wait to do it all over again in two weeks.

It's all written in the paper journal. No reason to repeat. Goodnight.

11.05.03/
hello blood.

"she didn't wanna be. she didn't wanna know. she couldn't run away, cuz she was crazy. she gave it all away... she saw her baby break. and in the air it hung that she was dull razors..."

the dull blade pierces the thirsty flesh once more; only this time, there is no blood. why? toughened skin from years of abuse? weakened operator of the once beautiful instrument?

why don't they understand? it's what keeps me alive. it prevents injury to others.

it's not about my being sick, or thinking i'm all "hardassed" (you fucking concieted hypocritical prick, how dare you say that). it's about calming down. it's about trying not to do something worse. made into art, it's not meant to show people i think i'm "cool" or something. i do this for me. as a reference, as a reference to others, a warning. i create art out of it, because art is a form of the most intense of emotions, and this would have to occur only at a peak of emotional turmoil. it is always to help me cope. it is always to help me know just what makes me feel this way, and maybe so others know, and can perhaps identify.

why don't they just understand this?

10.16.03/
Grocery shopping is fun, when there's fun things to buy! :)

Yessir, 2.1 lbs of RAINBOW GOLDFISH!!! Rawk!