journal archives 1 2
09.23.03/
I just want to leave here. I can't take being here ANYMORE. The complications. The bank thing. And then the car thing. And money. So much money. Rent, books, groceries, Halloween funthings... and THEN on top of that, plane tickets. Even if I didn't bring Devin here, I need one for me, to go to fucking Seattle. And $35 for the school. Fuck.
Sad things seem to happen here all the time. Sometimes it's unbearable. I spend my weekends alone, no matter where I am. If I go back to Spring, I'm ignored, or the same anxiety that was there before occurs. I always leave there feeling a million times worse, with a severe sickness in my stomach. I just want to get away from here. Even if I'm alone somewhere else, it'll be a new start. Seattle is where I want to be. I felt so at home there... it was the second most comfortable place for me next to New York.
Everything here piles up on me like a gigantic suffocating blanket. Things I don't want to deal with. Things that shouldn't HAVE to be taken care of, because they shouldn't exist. Just things in general. I'm suddenly so unhappy here. Well, not suddenly, but the extreme desire to move away has gotten even stronger than before.
My music. I wrote D a song, and it sucks. I redid it, and it sucks. I want to write him good music! He's my baby! I put everything I felt about him into the song, and somehow managed to make it shitty...! How......? So I created a new song this weekend, on codeine. Yeah great. It had edge for a while, but I can't fucking finish it. Seems like everything I do sucks. I can't even make it to class most of the time, for legitimate excuses or otherwise. I keep fucking up and making people mad. Parents of my students terrify me.
Yesterday I slept til after I was supposed to be ready for Doug to take me to work. I fucked THAT up. They weren't too happy. I felt horrible. It was then, when I woke up, that I finally snapped. Rotten day threw Alyson over the edge. All the way to Space Center, I thought about telling Lisa I quit, of ruining my career on purpose saying horrible things to the little kids that would surely get me fired. I gave up on caring. Nothing matters anymore. It's all stupid shit. I wonder if there's a solution to this madness...?
Well, at least I seem to have mostly outgrown my old damaging habits... hopefully...
The world is crashing down on me. With each breath I take, I feel it caving in a little more. My skull feels crushed, my heart was ripped out of me and thrown to some distant dimension... everything seems so horrible.
09.20.03/
Yesterday I had a huge craving to cut. After all these months, and what seemed like a cure by Devin's love, I thought the urges were gone, but it just appeared out of nowhere, tempting me with the prospect of creating a formidably sized gash across the arm from a sharp brick wall. Went home, slept, woke up with an insatiable urge for drugs or alcohol. I thought I could overcome it, but it was painful, and anxiety arose, and cutting did too. Eventually, I took more of the Mytussin AC syrup. I can't find the drugfacts online anymore! But after 10 months of learning about the drug, and using it to my advantage (in music), I know. 100 mg guaifenesin to 10 mg codeine. Last time, I took it within a week after the gasoline incident... it, as well as painkillers and beer, had no effect on me besides making me sick. This time, I feel a buildup, not unlike the kind before a trip. My head tingles and burns, and (hopefully) I'm going to feel the opiate effect soon. I don't know. I hope Devin doesn't get worried. He said he doesn't like my drug use cuz he's not here to take care of me... :-/
In my journal, I realized I'd written a pretty good play by play of my last coricidin trip. I'll put it online... it was pretty bad. No more dxm for a long time... it's getting too intense.
But what's NOT intense is this codeine. An hour has passed, and it's still a mild feeling. Contemplating drinking another 8 doses...
Now for my last dxm entry... all was written in my fucked-up handwriting, getting increasingly frantic and drugged as the entries progressed... this was done during a particularly painful night for my period...:
09.06.03/
11:48 pm:
12:09 am:
12:33 am:
1:21 am:
1:47 am
1:50 am
2:30: I want devin.
Started tripping on 8 cccs at the exact moment the Uterus began Severe Pain.
Twiggs is my tripsitter. Automatic robot writing is in place, but I feel 100% sober besides this. Whoa. look at screen. Buzz. lay down.
Twiggs dropped everything.
fire alarm goes off.
Turn it off. Not real.
I do not have a penis made of lights.
no internet.
waves
man.
the trip goes
--->
Devin is real.
Why is he far?
This is not fair.
Drugs are bad.
no more trips.
confusion
Music
Despair.
dispair?
whoa.
I need Devin.
To be with him is good.
Is he real? Yes
I need Seattle and Devin.
No drugs.
Confused and sad.
Gotta remember this. Trips aren't fun anymore.
Write music now....
09.09.03/
My baby got a phone. We talked for about 4 hours last night... about serial killers. :P I love how I can talk to him about all this weird shit (like government conspiracies) forever and ever and he's not weirded out, and doesn't get mad, and we don't tire of it. I love my Devinkitty. :) :) :)
The dns server is down or something in my apartment. Don't know when it'll be up. I want to write in my journal so much, but I don't want to do it all in the library on these slow comps. I'm way overdue on my music video story, but I have to catch a shuttle home, check my mail for my paycheck, mail something for Devin, do my theory homework, try to fix my comp to make dad a birthday cd before Thursday, maybe come back up to practice violin, email students' parents (I teach violin now... so much fucking shit with moms and angry dads...), etc.
As for this teaching thing... the kids aren't that bad, it actually feels surprisingly nice to see them improve when I try to help them. One girl has a real problem with actually trying in lessons, preferring to talk and not really play, but other than that, it's ok. But the PARENTS.
One mom didn't even know her kid was signed up for lessons, even though she signed the forms to sign her up. Many are angry with me for not being able to give them a time before 5:30. One parent said he was going to find another teacher because I was inadequate due to my lack of early times. AS IF I COULD DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Another keeps calling me and leaving voicemails while I'm teaching and stuff... first time, she missed the lesson cuz she thought I was going to her house. Second time, she didn't know that her lesson was when we agreed for it to be, and left me an annoyed voicemail about how I hadn't ever called her to tell her a lesson time, she didn't know what was going on... then she showed up at the school 10 mins after the lesson was supposed to start and angrily talked to me about how she didn't know what was going on, how my phone was off, my "sister" answered my home phone (my roommate Amanda), blah blah... I was about to scream. She was nice to everyone else after I went to teach her kid. It's so aggravating, these parents.
The dad of the girl that won't listen or try in lessons sent me a nice email though, telling me how impressive my resume was (I sent a short resume and my contact information and stuff home to the parents) and how his daughter loved lessons with me and all this stuff. It was a nice break from all of this frustrating insanity.
Time to go home. The server better be fixed soon or I'll go insane.
Computer nerds suffer when this kind of stuff happens... how to stay hiding in my room when my source of entertainment is gone? :( :( :(
It's been a whirlwind of drama, car crashes, drugs, school and sleepiness lately. Moved into the apartment, but so busy... everything bad is happening to everyone... Dee's wife, Suzette, had a murder in her family... her brother. Mark's father died. My car was totaled and the guy gave me fake info and ran off. Everything sucks.
08.23.03/
Moving into my apartment... so much to do... a photo until I can write...
08.18.03/
I WANT to write about the music video, but when I went shopping for apartment stuff and dishes and school supplies (I got a lame dvd for $5.88... Carnivore. A scary looking horror movie) I was tempted and so I also got a box of medication and consumed half of the pills in Denny's. I am fucked.
I slammed my door several times on the foot before noticing. And I thought the plates were melting in my car. So I cannot comprehend soon. Pain in stomach.
I hope Devin isn't mad.
So later after this I'll write about the video shoot. But for now, I'm going into an oblivion that I seem to enjoy quite a lot.
WHOAAA. I'm on the things. and he's naked. trow up. Should I have told Mark and Laura about the drugs? THey read my jouranl. They are like my parents. I do not want them mad. But drugs. If you use them once every while, they can open up doors, use them correctly and you can have strange insights and inspiration. This trip is intense nad really strange.
08.10.03/
She's a sick little girl--I love that about her! Tell her to get her ass on
a plane!
Dee
Dee is doing a Halloween project called “Van Helsing’s Curse” (or “VHC”) - Mark is the lead violinist of course but they need 5 more violinists to fill out the section. I’ve been helping Dee coordinate these players with Mark while Mark has been out of town and although it looks like we pretty much have the section set (it’s comprised of all Viper people by the way, including the cellist), there’s still the possibility of an opening or two. The music is rock orchestral (kind of like a darker TSO). The LOOK is goth, vampire, victorian... which is why I naturally thought of YOU ;-)
Hehehehehe. So now I'm gonna be there. I'm gonna meet Dee Snider and hang with Laura Mark and Elijah. And it's all gonna kick some major ass. I don't know if I make any sense, my thoughts are so jumbled and unorganized right now. It's all so much. Must mow the lawn.
Hehe rock on! :)
08.09.03/
I hate having to drink to try to forget the frustration of having Music in you and not having a way to record it.
Why is it on dxm things sound Loud, but Drunk, things sound Quiet with occasional Loud?
Tequila burns. It ruins the smooth Bacardi taste. Damn the Mexicans. Damn my family ahahahahaha.
Drunk. Skunk. Punk!
The Bad part about Fucked Up is that when you usually do it to get Inspiration in Original Ways, it's hard to do it to forget you had Inspiration and couldn't make it into a song cuz your recording equipment failed. Also, it's bad when you Forget. Forget you had to Pee as you find yourself on the toilet, forget why you're driving in a neighborhood, or where you are...
I like that everything feels Trippy. I like that I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love somuch. And that he doesn't think I'm a freak, but understands me and can relate. I like my kittykat, and weed pizza. :)
The Amusement found as I reheated my pizza for the 34524523432th time was in the fact that The Owners don't ever suspect, or desire to ignore, during the most Fucked Up times, choosing the pinnacle of Sober to accuse us of stealing liquor... and in the most ridiculous scenarios! Why would we drink a case of beer alone in the yard? To drink alone, one chugs in a bedroom... Why would we take drugs before going to school? Or out with our parents? Jeez...
Remember: you will be driving under Oath. No child porn for those in the Oathpapers.
08.07.03/
Seattle truly held the secrets to making life's horrors go away. Beautiful things happened there.
The Pepsicola has a "si" at the end, therefore making it seem that copious amounts would kill thealysQn... and a sip becomes half a bottle, and two almost the entire thing. Elmo spoons are twice as small as Blue's Clues, so beware, unwary latenight ice cream consumers.
The moon was frightfully large. Gigantic and yellow. The world may blow up. Or the moon? Another nightmare of moons crashing into Earth will hopefully be kept at bay in the back of the brain, for I can't handle another Apocalypse dream...
Old friends were re-acquainted, and quickly lost as a whirlwind of smoke and hours of waiting turned into scares of cops and loss of a group. But the feeling left after the parkinglot party have inspired. Who said it makes you dumb? Legalize! Let the inspiration be known to all!
A Walri created much inspiration a couple weeks back. Songs can be requested from The Author.
The Walri came to play today.
07.04.03/
Heart hurts... don't know why. Moodiness seems to be key these past two days...
Woke up yesterday at 2 pm, cranky, headache, sorethroat, sick, painful stomach, ribcage feeling crushed and burning, dizzy... yelled at mother for how freezing it was, then went back in my room and cried. Talked to my D.kitty for a little while, and he was feeling about the same way. I honestly beleive that we have a psychic connection of some sort... time and time again, we seem to have proven this theory to be true. Maybe we were destined to meet. Perhaps fate is real, and this is all part of the plan. Will it all pan out in the future? I can only hope that when our stars finally collide, they settle peacefully, and I find what I seem to be hoping for. He's absolutely perfect; even stranger than me, loves everything I do, doesn't seem to mind me being myself. Just hoping things won't be different in person... no matter what anyone says, I'm terrified of rejection by the creature I've come to adore so much...
After D. made me less cranky with a wonderful screenplay of Orange Juice, Apple, and he, I went back to sleep forever. Woke up feeling less cranky, but disoriented beyond belief. Loopiness seemed to be rampant, and I proceeded to drop a can of soup on the floor as I fumbled with an impossible can opener. Had pizza instead, and promptly became sick and had to hold in nausea and eminent vomitous elements of my damaged digestive system.
Listless, even while talking to D...
Suddenly, around 1 am, I became lively and felt so real, so happy. I wanted to do everything, I wanted to have discussions, and play, and run about, and do everything that happy people do.
By 3, I was back to :( again. Now my heart hurts more than ever, and it's not all physical now... why? The pain peirces, burns... and I don't understand where it came from. Was it the sad words of a forlorn indirection I discovered? My frustration at working so hard to see D? Or maybe my aggravation at this whole fucking school thing...?
I don't know. Stomach wants food, but I don't want to let it have any. I wish things would just go how I wanted, and I could stop fighting so hard... I want to be loved... I suppose, though, I could fight to the end of the world for what I think I'll find once I've won.
Please let me be right...
Happy fucking Independence Day. Perhaps today I'll find my own independence?
06.28.03/
The trip to NJ commenced on the 7th of this month. Between the last journal entry and that date, frequent trips to the park, smoky nights in dungeons, and the like, were employed to keep the Phantasm sane.
Lyricafest wasn't as bad as it seemed it would be. The music, the freedom, and the night life (;P thanks a lot! if any of you involved in that part read this) were really great. 9 am rehearsal, play all day and into the night, drink a little, smoke a little... what more could a girl ask for? Heaven, minus three major factors: Kitty Kat, Brandy (formerly known as Twiggy... long story...), and Devin. But I made a lot of new friends at Lyrica, and had a lot of fun, and now my phone bill will be a million dollars from all the calling to Devin I did... oh well...
Oh yeah. I spent a while at Mark Wood's house, hanging with Mark and Laura. I'm too tired right now to think of all they said, but I had a great time. They inspired me once more, talked to me about everything in my life, and Mark showed me all his new cool stuff he's working on/completed recently. I wish we could've hung out longer...! But when I get a job, I'll have more funding, and try to get more time to hang with them.
I housesat after that, for 3 sweet cats (one of which was the spawn of Satan) and 2 dogs... it was really great. Alone in a house with all these crazy pets, watching movies all day... I must admit, I took advantage of being alone and went out every night till late... but that's to be expected, eh? Heh... excursions included a strange night out with two random little boys, one 12 (he said he'd "take the one on the left", which happened to be me) and one 14... nothing illegal happened with them, fyi. Well, nothing illegal pretaining to age gaps between us and the boys... ;P
Now I'm trying to get back on track. So late, so crazy. Updates on websites, journals, finishing music, getting back into the Wood Violins message board, catching up with my Devinchats. Stress seems abundant as I think of all the things I hafta do. So exit is required at this point.
Drool over this sweet sleeping darling... but not TOO much ;P
05.20.03/
Punishment for everything seems forever eminent. I do as I'm told, I'm punished. I do without asking, I'm punished for my "motives". I say fuck it all and don't do anything, I'm punished. Curse my desire for escape. In my haste, I got myself into one huge mess. Avoidance of this kind of thing is easiest when the overbearing dominance of The Owners is quietly succumbed to, but I just HAD to go and try to get away. Now I have two weeks to rent a viola and learn a huge viola part to a Shostakovitch octet. My $500 is going to a fucking viola part. Jesus. My parents are pissed. I was promised a Brahms string quintet. What the fuck? To make matters worse, they always dump the dumbest things on me as a way of making me a "responsible 19 year old", and then blame all accidents on me. If I'm not the one planning my airline ticket, then why the fuck do I talk on the phone with those involved about flight dates and such? I asked THEM to, because they don't listen to me. Now I have to find a fucking place to stay an extra day in NJ. Great.
The end of all of this seems to be something I yearn for with a greater passion every single day. I don't care if certain friends of mine say I'm selfish for leaving. Fuck it all. They don't know what it's like. And I stayed at home for this whole year, enduring what I was dying from in highschool, just to not leave my friends. Eventually I WOULD leave anyways, to go to Longy in Cambridge. No point in delaying that wait any longer. The time is now, and I must go.
What to do? Couldn't sleep all night, because I'm not allowed out, and so on the rare occasions I escape, I make the most of it, and usually adrenaline pumps for hours afterwards. Finally took a pill to sleep (with several ounces of hard liquor and a painkiller), and 10 mins later am in trouble for not sleeping, various other heinous crimes, and told that I'd better not dare go back to sleep, because I have "things to do". WHAT THE FUCK IS THERE TO DO?!?! Nothing at all. Honestly, there is absolutely nothing here. A few dirty dishes maybe. That's about it. My room's even clean!
Trying to be happy again. Searching for that euphoria that pours out every time I run down that creek, far without stopping, each time I feed the animals at the park, or run to my safeplace... Prying into the dark corners of my soul for one scrap of something to keep me sane.
I wish that HAD committed me to that mental hospital when they said they wanted to.
Punished for leaving the house, but punished for not leaving my room. The father's pressure for me to let him "help" me seek professional counseling for my lack of socialization drives me insane, and I am about to snap. How the fuck can one do anything when they're punished for doing it?
Journals are good for bitching. I'm tired of dumping this all on my friends. I try not to, but it just happens. It's hard to keep it in. Gotta try harder to leave my poor tired friends' ears alone...
The rescue of the giant turtle in the mud today was a victory... freedom for one creature. I watched with happiness, when he was saved. I feel like that turtle right now. Trapped on my back in the deep mud, sinking, helpless to do anything about it.
Oh, I DO try. I really do. I've tried everything, from rational to over-the-edge. What to do?
Just let me be a happy, nice person, who doesn't talk of such depressing things. I want to be the happy friend, with the cool parents, who gets along well with others, and smiles, and is cheerful. Or is at least normal enough to not act this fucked up. What have I done wrong? Argh... Gotta stop whining. And bitching. And being a stupid self-centered freak. THERE'S NO END TO THE COMPLICATIONS!
05.18.03/
When will The Owners cease to feel so overbearingly possessive of me and start to realize that they're not Owners, but Parents? After 19 years, I have been surpassed by everyone, itseems... the only one to have never had a job, one of the few who actually has a curfew, one of the only ones not trusted for no reason whatsoever... and most of the people that have passed me by in life aren't even out of highschool yet! It's not my fucking fault that no one wants to hire a 19 year old with no job experience over some drugheaded highschool kid who has shown time and time again a huge passion for minimum wage jobs. I feel like dying.
But Anti-Prom was fun. Daddies were upset by the way certain little girls dressed, and made a big deal out of drawing attention to selves... but it was all good. We left to Theiss to photograph each other on the playground, and eventually ran into Josh, Ben, and another Josh w/some guy named Ryan. Of course, we always see the stoners everywhere we go. And they all know us by name :P They teased us about being outside in the heat in all black, and then Ryan put the "charm" on Twiggs and me... ahahaha!!!! Yeah. Cute but just funnycute. Then we went to Fazoli's and stared at a lovely little boy working there. Well, he LOOKED young. Considered getting applications, and after an hour of contemplation, giggling, and goofiness, we left. Upon departure, we followed a compulsion to go into dense woods, and Twiggs got her dress stuck in a large thicket of spiky vines. Travel to gas stations in search of skater bois (and gas!) and a trip to Kroger (peeplace and photos) and our night was up. Short, simple, but fun as hell. Who could ever resist dressing up with the goddess of clothing, makeup, art, music, and EVERYTHING ELSE?
Jeez. I know a god AND a goddess. What a lucky little creature I am! :D
Now to relieve the inner tension in me ;)
***************************
Took two tries, with a 30 minute Idiot Interlude, but I finally found it. Tripping now. Ecstasy. Sad, how things are turning out. Finding escape like the ways you shouldn't have to. Always in trouble for not trying, when I do. Not trusted. Just want to be a good girl. Grrr. Floating sohard. and now. faster. fast fast fast.
Past is fast. Mast that blast. Is it all gone?
Wow. I need to remember. the past. or last? Panky Hanky Stanky. Miss Stanky. Yes I remember.
the D. Kitty is dark blue with a lightblue gradient
i've never seen them line up like that! is it realll?
fly free Mr. Hendrix. Your soul is Rested.
05.17.03/
One? Five? Seventeen?
For each X after X amount, softspots are made, sensitivities seem to be produced; after X amount of Xs, will one go insane, or be damaged to the point of no return?
Is there a way to fully fix the holes made by the Xs, or must we always plunder blindly ahead, trying our best to tread lightly on the instabilities left behind in their aftermath?
X's and O's.
We'll all burn forever in our own personal Hells.
*************************************************************************
detach and detain.
let's put the alcohol away mommy... it won't be necessary tonight
head tingling and burning and churning. i could fly to seattle right now because i'm lifting off! floooaaaatttttttttttttttttttttt...
inhalations sound like jetplanes. i don't know what's going on. morphing into ashley whitmore... it's a superhard trip, and i have ashley whitmore keyboard voice.
ForsakenPhantasm: move fasssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
splat art. is not a fart. it is real, and real is the past. behind me. pressing against me as i face the future and wonder.
float towards
memory vs paper? don't know.
sexxx the t-rexxx.
seperation from past and present/ large jump. overlap.
because i can't likea bug on a face
i'm in the computer, sucked up.
ForsakenPhantasm: the beat is making me move
05.16.03/
Question of the day: Did NASA really fake the first moonlanding?
I've been contemplating the "evidence" of that theory a lot tonight. They say the flag couldn't be billowing like it is in pics, because of the moon's atmosphere and stuff. No one can disprove it for sure, though... well, many people can't. Very few people have been to space. The whole spacerace, and the idea that people done what we all think they have there (landed, photographed, etc)... what if it's all a sham? It'd be the biggest caper of all times, that's for sure. And easily done, in a way. With a small group of people that claim to have even been in space, and a high level of technological breakthroughs in digital art, and so forth, disinformation may very well be a large part of the space program.
Even more plausible is the idea of the government or spacepeople or whoever else hiding what they find, what they experience, what they do... I have a feeling that there is some kind of coverup going on... it's strange. I can't explain right now, because the pieces are in an ambiguous shape. Not quite together, not quite a jumble. Sorta like the movie Ghost Ship... the way the clues just come together in an ambiguous form throughout the film after a mysterious incident, and it's suddenly just thrown out at you in a violent and real blatant truth under a harsh light, after a long, excruciating desire to just piece the parts together... maybe...
As I lay there, watching the moon eclipse, I wondered about things that happen that we never know about. People hardly notice anything anymore. It could be sitting right in front of them and they'd just pass it by without a second glance. This statement may seem so incredibly ignorant or something, but really, observe sometime. They miss so much with their busy to-and-fro, hustle and bustle... I was probably one of few people around that actually watched the eclipse. Yes, I know I wasn't the ONLY one, but... I dunno. Anyways, so getting back to the thought. There could be creatures living in the shadows, people hiding things that could change our lives, if only we knew about them, etc... and WHO WOULD NOTICE? If the idea of UFOs seems at all real, then reports and sightings can then be accounted for, and thought of in this category. UFOs tend to be silent, and can turn off their lights and hover in the dark. Think of the possibilities for this, if, indeed, it is true. In the night sky, where no one ever looks... hovering, dark objects, watching us on cloudy nights... waiting, maybe? For what, then? Again, the disinformation factor would be easily done. Military, government, programs of this nature could and DO cover up many things with ease on a daily basis. Any radar sightings or the like could be kept secret without any trouble at all. If the theories are also true about a hidden agenda, and the alien technology that has been obtained by the government and military people in the past century, then, well, it fits right in. Alien speices could be authorized to study us, observe, maybe even walk amongst us. In return, the technology could be the reason for such huge leaps in our scientific fields in the past few decades orso. But could these thoughts be real? Or just a strange idea of a demented little girl with too much time on her hands?
I will leave from these ideas of disinformation, secrecy, hidden things lurking in the shadows, and soforth, with an excerpt from a book, followed by my first strange lunar eclipse:
A little under a year later on September 26th, 1788, the German astronomer Johann Hieronymus Schroter saw a dazzling white point of light shining among the peaks of the lunar Alps near to the crater Plato, which lasted for 15 minutes. Seven further sightings of activity on the lunar surface by professional moon-gazers are noted in volumes XXVI and XXVII of The Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society. One of these controversail reports was penned by none other than the Astronomer Royal, the Reverend Nevil Maskelyne, who saw a strange cluster of lights moving across the dark half of the lunar disk.
In July 1821, the German astronomer Franz Gruithuisen - the originator of the meteoric impact theory of lunar cratering - saw brilliant flashing points of light on the surface of the moon. When he announced that he had discovered a lunar city, his colleagues ridiculed him, and Gruithuisen burned the notes of his observations. Five years later, on the night of the April 12th, 1826, a professional astronomer named Emmet recorded a sighting of an enormous black cloud moving across the moon's Sea of Crises, or Mare Crisium.
Over half a century after this sighting, another odd lunar spectacle was observed by several independent astronomers: a "luminous cable" that gradually stretched west to east until it spanned the crater Euxodus. The line of light lasted for almost an hour, then blinked out.
--from Strange but True: Mysterious and Bizarre People
This is just an excerpt of his extensive and fascinating chapter of accounts and theories about the moon. It includes sightings of glyphs, inexplicable structures, mysterious mathematical patterns via radio signals, and even a strange supposed incident in which the moon was struck by a diffused spacecraft and rang like a bell (apparently recorded by NASA). All of this can be used against or for my ideas and theories... and I have one of my own, written in my book. I wrote it a few years back... very short, although the experience was strange in itself, no matter how small...
"In the old house [where I lived until 8th grade] when I was maybe 12 (1996) I observed bright lights traveling around a crater with a telescope AND my naked eye during a lunar eclipse. So weird..."
The shock of finding this chapter when I read the book was intense, because I had been pondering what I'd seen for quite some time, and became convinced that I was just insane. But am I? Or are we all just a little crazy...?
At any rate... we're all mad here...
05.12.03/
Can't sleep. Can't think. Don't know what's going on.
Anxiety has caused things to come out lately that shouldn't. Bitchiness towards all those that try to converse seems to happen often. Pain of the heart, pressure in the chest, a frantic desire to escape, won't leave me alone. The other day, I compulsively ran down the street, telling no one where I was. Kept looking back, terrified at the prospect of someone chasing me, asking me where I was going, what I was doing... Walked as fast as I could past the "No Tresspassing" sign into the safehaven of the creek, where I slowed down a bit. In shorts, the tallgrass wasn't most comfortable, but the itchies and cuts and bruises were well worth the 10 minute trek to the place where I spent a lot of time just sitting, peacefully, with no fear of being harrassed or crowded or pressured or anything else that seems to be killing my soul.
I've got my head, but my head is unraveling... Can't keep control, can't keep track of where it's traveling.
Spent 7 hours working on The Alyson Show. Who knew it'd take that long? I suppose, though, it would've helped if I had known how to use the editing vcr to edit movies... and if I'd had the end credits already made (those are taking me forever!).
Biggest anxiety factor at the moment: freedom. Always trapped, forever caged by The Owners. How to escape? Desperate to be far away. Even moreso, to go to Seattle. How will this end? Plans are being made, things WILL be done. Kittens will be met and cuddled for hours. I will not let them control me like a child any longer.
FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!! Today has been one of the coolest days ever! Thanks to Mark and Laura, I get to work on a project with Mark and DEE SNIDER!!! :) :) :) At first it was just an "Oh I wish you lived in NY Alyson, so you could be in this cool Dee Snider project..." from Laura. It escalated to her showing Dee my :( reply, saying I thought he and his movie Strangeland were fucking awesome, and he replied to her about me! Hehe, the email from Dee that started this whole lot of ruckus:
Heh. Short but cool... I was thrilled, ecstatic... and then I got a phonecall from Mark this morning saying Dee said I sounded cool and would enjoy having me around for the project. Mark and Laura rawk! Then after the phonecall I got Laura's email too... I talked to mom, Mark talked to mom, and tomorrow morning, I leave at 4 am now to participate in this thing! Here's the synopsis from Laura:
Were you even remotely serious about the possibility of flying up? Not to torture you further with this, but Dee seems to think that maybe we should talk to your Mom and explain what the project is about. I’ll give you a synopsis:
I hate it when dads talk about Developing Breasts. And when you get Drunk and then remember something you have to do, like a phonecall or voicemail or email.
Post-Seattle, words could not represent the euphoric state, coasting along pandemonium and misery, and somehow shading it all to a dark shadow in the distance... now the snails crawl on my brain, and the bugz were in Her hair.
((Orangesoda and Root Beer))
are we alone???
The rapid beats of my racing heart will not subside. Perhaps heart failure from fatigue soon? I can only wish...
ANTI-PROM!
3:58 a.m.
***************************
smooth edges
circles
It seems that there are an infinite number of Xs in this vast sea of creatures... but how many until things begin to break?
(a lot of hours later)))
defer and deter.
ForsakenPhantasm: fry my asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ForsakenPhantasm: oohhh the hisss
ice cream
behind is past.
forwards is present.
...and it was not back but forwards; in the future/ and i forgot/ and then i go. and then i forgot. and it goes on.
bottles and past. but the future too.
and then in the
ForsakenPhantasm: and groove
ForsakenPhantasm: bom bom bom bom bom
ForsakenPhantasm: pw
ForsakenPhantasm: owejifkljsaf
Watched the lunar eclipse with Tiger tonight and thought as I lay on the concrete of our driveway for a coupla hours... I missed the first half, where it was red, but that's ok. It kinda scares me a little... the thought of the earth being this globe floating in infinite silence amongst others, in celestial harmony... but yet, when on this planet, it seems so busy, so loud. To think, just outside the atmosphere of our tiny ball lies a vast expanse of... space... it's hard to comprehend. What is it like out there, I wonder...?
...Only in recent years has the term "transient lunar phenomena" (invented by the British astronomer Patrick Moore) been included in astronomy textbooks. Transient lunar phenomena, or TLP, is a term used by astronomers to label the host of strange objects that have been observed on the moon over the centuries. One early example of TLP was recorded in the eighteenth century by William Herschel, the brilliant British astronomer who discovered the planet Uranus. On August 18th, 1787 Herschel looked through his telescope and sighted a red sparkling glow on the dark half of the crescent moon that resembled "slowly burning charcoal thinly covered with ashes". On November 12th that same year, two other astronomers witnessed bolts of lightning on the moon.
by Thomas Slemen
the sexy kitten hisself!!!
((10:43 a.m.))
I'd scarecely slept 2 1/2 blissful, nightmarless hours when I awoke to the rude sound of someone turning my doorknob and trying to force open the door, then pounding on it for me to awaken. Totally freaked out by this lack of consideration for my privacy, I groggily staggered out the other door to bitch out the intruder. It was Mother.
I asked her wtf she thought she was doing, just trying to come in without knocking, to which she gave me some stupid reply that didn't justify her actions at all (although I can't remember what it was right now, I'm too upset). This was it. The final straw. She told me Laura Bossert was on the line, that I should skip summer school to go to NJ, and that they had a ticket waiting for me. To top off this heavy influence, I was told that I still HAD to get a job (as if I'm an idiot and don't know this already).
It just pushed me over the fucking edge. I'm sick of her telling me what I need to do as if I don't know. Both of them. From acting like I don't know how to mix photochemicals and badgering me every 5 seconds to reading me the vegetarian aspects of menus in restaraunts as if I'm incapable of self-sufficinency, I just can't take it anymore. I angrily told her I would NOT go to New Jersey, but would still not do summer school. Then, with the frantic need to escape more powerful than ever, and an almost tangible plan for a guaranteed two weeks of freedom right in front of me, I did what I never intended to do... got on the phone and told Laura I'd love to accept her invitation to Boston (she invited me, and apparently put me above other people on the waiting list).
God, what have I done?
The anxiety is killing me. Pain racks my body, and I couldn't go back to sleep due to racing heart, sweaty body, and painful convulsions. My heart hurts, my chest burns, and my stomach is dying with the acidic dissolve of Alka-Seltzer in water. All I wanted was to go to Seattle! I can't do this. I NEED to meet D. It's not a "It'd be nice to...", or "Gee, Seattle would be a nice place to visit!"... he's the most amazing person I've ever been in contact with. I feel so wonderful when I talk to him, when I think about him and how much like me he is. I need to see, I need to touch, I need to experience firsthand, not just online, or on a rare phonecall as I hide in my darkroom. For once, I feel like I don't have to try to be someone I'm not, and I'm not trying hard not to freak someone out. It never really mattered before, I don't try TOO hard anyways, but...
I don't know what I've done. The anxiety runs high. Should I leave now? Apply for jobs then hide at the park? Or go later? I want to cut. I want to drink. But luckily, I'm terrified at the prospect of drugs. I'd go insane.
What have I done??? And, even moreso, what should I do now............?
